What Should I Do About My Scheming Step-Daughter?

By Doug Brinlee

I have been married to my husband for a little over 2 years now. I have a 19 year old daughter who is married and out of my home. I have a 16 year old daughter who lives with us. My husband has a 16 year old daughter who lives with her mother in another state. There is no pleasant way to explain my problem. My husband and I are planning on having a child of our own. Obviously, all of our girls have mentioned their dissatisfaction with this plan since they do have normal jealousy issues. But we can handle this and I know my girls will learn to be alright with this in time. The problem is with my husbands daughter, who I will call Ann. Before I ever met Ann for the first time, my husband would talk about her as if she was a brilliant saint! She was perfect and my husband was proud to say she was His daughter. After I met Ann for the first time, I soon came to realize what an emotional game she was playing with her father, and all the other people she would come in contact with. During her visits with us, I have overheard her talking to friends on the phone saying things like, "oh, my dad's new wife is a joke. I have her fooled just as much as I do dad! I can get anything I want from her, and if I want more, I'll just steal my dad's bank card. I do it every chance I get cause he wouldn't get mad at me even if he caught me. I am that good! hehe" I also follow Ann on myspace, where she seems to be the most open and honest, and I have seen how terrible she talks of her dad. Ann also tried to kill my little 1 pound dog just to watch it die!! And to top it all off, when the subject came up about having another baby, Ann told me, my husband, and her step-sister, in a very calm voice, "if you guys have another baby, I'll kill it if it's ever around me!" My husband sees this horrible behavior and says he will never accept that so he wants no relationship with her anymore. The problem is that Ann is playing a new game with her dad now by trying to convince him that she has grown up and changed. All the while, I see her talk of devious plans on myspace as to how she will destroy our relationship. My husband is falling back into this fantasy that Ann is a good person now and he is relaying messages to me that he has gotten from Ann. While I know whats really going on and that she is trying to butter her dad up enough for him to ask her to come visit us. She just wants to invade my home and torture my whole family! What a mess, right?? So, have any advice for me on how to handle this situation? All I know is how I feel, and I honestly can't stand Ann, I think she is evil, and the fact that this girl happens to be my step-daughter makes it all worse. Help!

Dear Concerned Step-Mom,

These situations generally have tensions, even when the step-parents and step-children are all reasonable people. When one person is trying to make life difficult for the family, that person usually succeeds - at least as long as that person is allowed near the family.

First of all, if "Ann" is willing to post her devious intentions on Myspace, you should direct your husband's intentions to the posts where she talks about her plans. This isn't an invasion of privacy: she is posting these thoughts on a public website for anyone with a computer to see. Parents check their underage children's websites, and especially their Myspace page, all the time. Some parents insist on knowing what their child is posting and who their online friends are.

If your husband sees what your step-daughter's stated goals are and he isn't repulsed enough to bar his daughter from her visit, then there's not a whole lot of options. You may have to put up with an incredibly unpleasant visit from step-family, which is something people unfortunately have to do all the time.

If you already have the new child, that's a different issue. You have safety issues to be concerned about for your child. Most parents aren't going to allow someone around their child who has made threats before (even supposedly in jest), especially when that person shows the propensity to harm others (like she has done with your dog). Studies show that children who harm animals are more likely to harm people.

You might consider removing yourself and your child from the equation, if your step-daughter is coming to visit. That might be unpleasant for you, but it will probably be unpleasant for your husband and it will show him your seriousness. Simply taking a chance that your step-daughter harms your newborn is an unacceptable risk, and should be at the top of the list of your (and his) requirements.

Also, you might remind him that, when you step-daughter is visiting, if something were to happen to your newborn, then the first thing in everyone's mind will be that she did something to your child (whether she did or not). Given that you have both witnessed her making threats about your child, the suspicions of the authorities would naturally fall on "Ann", too. Let him know how serious you consider her arrival, as something beyond a simple unpleasant visit.

Keep in mind that some children will do anything for attention. Ann's boasts on Myspace might be nothing more than trying to look "big and bad" for the approval of the other children reading her Myspace page. She might be starved for any kind of attention from your husband, and she's willing to risk negative consequences to get that attention. In other words, all of this might be big talk.

In this day and age, you can't afford to take that chance. People making threats should always be taken seriously. Given that you suspect that she tried to kill your little dog, though, there's no way I would allow Ann to stay the night in the same home as my defenseless baby. If you have not had a child yet and your husband still wants to welcome Ann into your house after seeing what she's writing about him on MySpace, then you might have to sweat things out until she leaves.

Good Luck,
John Clifton