Women and Sexual Pleasure

Dear Deb,

I came to the conclusion as a hormonally challenged teenage girls really don’t like sex. When I was 14 that was awkwardly normal without question. Girls acted this way; boys took it for granted. All the dating and effort I put in through high school and college solidified this as fact. Sure I heard about the “rumor” that a girl “somewhere” liked sex, but in the dozens of girls I ever dated this mystery girl never appeared. In the reality of my life and experiences, “horny” girls don’t exist. It’s a myth to me.

If girls liked sex as much as guys, why isn’t it obvious, expected, and normal like it is for guys? Girls are the V hole gate keepers, not the ones chasing down dudes for physical necessity. Yes or No. Maybe maybe Not. They decide, not guys.

I’ve since learned this is based on scientific fact. Go figure: just past the girl’s hole there are no nerve endings to feel anything inside. Nothing. Imagine a guy’s penis with no nerve endings. How satisfying would sex be for him? That’s what it’s like inside the V of girls.

Now you know why size doesn’t matter to a girl. They can’t feel anything inside anyway.

I’m 46 and have been married for 16 years. We have sex practically every day and she says she likes it but in the very back of my mind is this doubt. Will I ever truly believe that women can like sex as much as a man??? Or is my childhood imprint irreversible?

46 & Confused

Dear 46 & Confused,

The great majority of women will say they enjoy sex, but they enjoy it in different ways than men do. Because of the way they view sex and enjoy sex, women are able to “go longer without sex” or “take it or leave it”. That doesn’t mean women don’t enjoy sex. They just aren’t men.

For women, sex has a more emotional aspect. With guys, it’s mostly a physiological need that comes from the biological need to propagate. Combine that with the fact that it’s really pleasurable and no wonder guys think about sex 90% of the time (according to one study). Most women crave sex like men do, but only when there’s an emotional quality to it. They don’t crave sex simply to be next to a warm body.

The fact that men have biological needs different than women certainly creates a dynamic where women traditionally hold the keys to the kingdom. If guys had their way down through the ages and women craved sex enough to jump into bed at the first opportunity (the first guy passing by), then sex in the age of no decent birth control would leave women pregnant all their lives and families so large that the father’s couldn’t support them. Women traditionally have needed more restraint, so men would know they were the father of the children they were raising and the population wouldn’t spiral out of control.

Do Teenage Girls Like Sex?

By the way, I wouldn’t put a whole lot of stock into what 14-year old girls were saying about sex when you were a child. Girls, even in our crazy modern age, are raised to believe sex is bad and girls who have multiple lovers and who crave sex are bad girls. Teen girls, especially 30 years ago when you were a teenager, were likely to say they didn’t like sex, because that’s what they were supposed to say. Given that they were likely about as ignorant about their sexual needs as you were about sex at that age, it’s no wonder they would play it safe and tell you and the other boys and their friends what they were expected to say. You should know better than to take everything a 16-year old says as the absolute end-all, be-all truth.

If Women Don’t Enjoy Sex, Then…


Think about this: if women didn’t enjoy the physical part of sex, the sex toy industry wouldn’t be thriving the way it is. There’s a lot of evidence that women don’t always buy sex toys for the sake of their men, but to enjoy themselves on their own. If women didn’t receive pleasure from sex, there would be no such thing as women pleasuring themselves with sex toys. There just wouldn’t be.

While you’re no doubt onto something about the nerve endings in a woman’s “v”, studies show they have a lot of nerve endings in the clitoris. That’s why women love a man who gives oral sex, because many women are going to receive a whole lot more pleasure from oral sex than from coital sex. Watch one porn video to see that women trying to reach climax generally masturbate their clitoris.

Which brings us to another point. Women may not have the same pleasure points as men, but they do have them. That’s why women enjoy foreplay more than men do. Oftentimes, that’s when the women’s pleasure points are most stimulated during sex. Also, women tend to take a lot longer to orgasm than men, who can usually do it in about 2 minutes. Few women reach climax in two minutes. So when a man engages in extended foreplay with their female lover and isn’t afraid to perform a little oral sex or some other form of clitoral stimulation, women are more likely to enjoy the sex with men.

So Does My Wife Really Enjoy Sex?

Finally, let’s talk about your wife. I wouldn’t doubt you wife when she says she enjoys sex. In fact, her enjoyment of sex perfectly falls in line with what I’ve discussed above. If your wife is emotionally engaged in your marriage and the two of you share a real emotional connection, she’s very likely to enjoy the sex the two of you have.

Does your wife enjoy sex the same way you do? Of course not. She’s a woman. Men and women are different, which is why men and women are so fascinated with one another.

So women have buttons. They just have different buttons than men do. That might be hard for a man to understand, because to men, sex is largely a physical act that one can enjoy without any emotional attachment whatsoever. (I know a guy’s going to write in an say that guys have emotional needs in bed, too, but guys know what I mean.) Sex is all about physical pleasure for a man. Women, on the other hand, enjoy sex, but in several different ways – which brings me to a story.

Tiresias Answers a Question About Sex

One day, Zeus and Hera had an argument about which gender enjoyed the pleasures of sex more. Zeus said that women enjoyed sex more. Hera argued that men enjoyed sexual pleasures the most.

To end the dispute, the two sought out Tiresias. Some years before, Tiresias had been cursed to be a woman. He had lived as a woman for seven years, and even bore children as a woman. Because Tiresias had had sex as both a man and a women, the two gods knew he was uniquely qualified to answer the question.

Tiresias replied that women enjoyed sex ten times more than men, because with men, “Of ten parts a man enjoys one only”.

So you see?

It’s possible your wife enjoys sex as much or even more than you do, because she enjoys it in many ways other than simple, straightforward vaginal sex. Sexual pleasure for women might be like the blind person whose other senses become much more acute, because they cannot rely on the sense of sight. Studies show that a blind person’s brain literally rewires itself to make use of the unused sight portions of the brain, allowing the blind to use their other senses better.

Women are wired differently, but that does not mean they have no wires. Remember that the next time you pleasure your wife.

John Clifton